The Subtle Self in Conversation

In her 2024 novel Tell Me Everything, author Elizabeth Strout dives deep into the psychology of human connection. Each of us, she suggests, carries a personal rhythm in how we speak, listen, and share our stories. Our personalities shape our relationships much like patterns that are hard to rewrite.

Among Strout’s characters is Margaret, a middle-aged minister who appears capable and respected. Yet beneath her polished demeanor lies a familiar flaw—an excessive focus on herself. She speaks often of her own life, listens little, and fails to truly connect. Her husband, Bob, bears the emotional cost of her inattention.

While most of us occasionally drift into self-absorption, chronic inattentiveness signals something deeper. It’s not the desire to share our experiences that’s problematic—it’s the habit of using others merely as audiences or dumping grounds for our thoughts.

Some relationships—like those between therapists and clients or spiritual guides and followers—naturally include this imbalance. But when it seeps into friendships or families, it creates resentment and emotional distance. The question then arises: when does ordinary self-focus turn into social narcissism?

What Is Narcissism?

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is marked by an inflated sense of self-importance, fantasies of success and brilliance, and a craving for admiration.

Those with narcissistic traits see themselves as extraordinary—worthy of recognition only from equally extraordinary people. They often show limited empathy and may manipulate others to maintain their superiority.

Although NPD is more common among men, its roots are psychological rather than biological. Many psychologists now view narcissism as a form of defensive individualism—a fragile self-concept masked by confidence and control.

Narcissistic Relationships

Few people would label themselves as narcissistic, and indeed, not all self-centered behaviors are pathological. But many of us practice what can be called “social narcissism”—choosing relationships that feed our need for attention.

Power magnifies this impulse. Leaders, executives, or public figures often fall prey to believing in their own importance because their environment reinforces it. Yet even in ordinary life, smaller hierarchies, workplaces, families, friendships can foster the same pattern.

We may seek friends who let us talk endlessly or partners who listen patiently but are rarely heard. This is not a conversation. it’s a performance. The narcissistic speaker rarely absorbs feedback; they simply wait to resume their narrative.

Commonly, this imbalance shows up in everyday relationships: parents unloading worries on adult children, managers venting to subordinates, or customers dominating service workers. Even between equals, such as spouses or friends, the “listener” is often chosen for being kind, calm, or less confrontational. Over time, that person becomes the emotional caretaker—while the narcissist remains comfortably self-absorbed.

Responding to Narcissism

The social critic Christopher Lasch once argued that modern culture encourages “collective narcissism.” In the absence of strong community bonds, people increasingly seek validation through personal identity and public recognition. Our self-worth becomes tied to how much attention we receive.

This hunger for affirmation often manifests in how we communicate. Narcissistic conversation is rarely cruel, it’s instrumental. The unspoken message is: “Pay attention to me. Tell me I matter.”

Recognizing this pattern in ourselves requires awareness. Instead of focusing on what we’re saying, we should notice how the listener responds. Are they engaged or merely enduring?

Listeners, too, can break the cycle by shifting the dynamic: ask questions, introduce your own stories, or gently interrupt the monologue. Healthy communication is reciprocal; it’s dialogue, not monologue.

True connection, after all, begins when conversation stops being a mirror and becomes a window.